What a Way to End

I’ve been away for a little bit, but mostly just stuck in my head.
On Saturday I took the last dose of my anxiety medication and have been dealing with the withdrawal process since then.  I had been in the process of weaning off the med when I decided enough was enough, so instead of taking the last step down I stopped.  Maybe not the best way to handle things but I was already feeling the effects of being on a much lower dose and decided I just needed to be done.  I’m hoping I’m through the worst of the acute phase of withdrawals, but I’ve been on this class of medication for a long time and may feel the effects for a long time as well.
I’ve come to realise that medications are not going to fix me (I know shocking that it took me this long to figure it out) and that as much as I want my symptoms to be masked by the effects of pharmaceuticals, I want my mind to be clear to enjoy life.  I have been medicated pretty much continuously since I was a teenager and until I landed here in the UK I assumed that meds were the only way to control my symptoms.  Since arriving and chipping away at the pile of pills I was taking I’m realising that I need to take some ownership and learn to cope instead of numb.  I know that things are good right now, my outside stresses are lower than they have been in a long time, and I have more support than I have ever had.  Now is the time to educate myself, learn as many coping skills as possible and conquer the beast not just lull it back to sleep.
I know I will always feel the effects of my past (both physically and mentally) but I’m done trying to hide from it behind a wall of medications and excuses.  I’m sure this sounds overly dramatic but when you’ve been fighting a battle silently most of your life sometimes making a declaration of intent to change things is important.  I’m not cured by any means, but I’m not broken either and that is a much better place to be in than where I have been recently.
Exciting isn’t it, I sure think so.

Faces

If you've read through any of my posts, you may have detected a common thread; I am a frequent user of both medical and psychiatric resources in an attempt to get me to a place where life is not just survivable, but maybe even enjoyable.  I am a survivor in so many definitions of the word, and I do not doubt that there have been times in my life that I have had some degree of enjoyment; I just don't remember them.

I have been in a state of 'crash' since Fall of 2015, and when all conventional treatments had been exhausted and rendered useless, we turned to ECT to try and get me back to the living.  Those treatments have robbed me of the majority of the memories since the time I met my husband, but the memories I would have gladly sacrificed prior to then are still for the most part whole.

What this has left me with is many 'faces', most of varying degrees of depression, some that appear to be happy or at the least content, and many many more lost to the vagaries of memory.

My most recent morning, 12+ hours of sleep and still not enough, my first time on my own in 20+ years and not coping well.

Self-care goes out the window the deeper I dive.  My hair is left to tie itself in knots because I could care less how I look to anyone, except sometimes to my husband, and even then it's a struggle.

Finding comfort in anything, even if slightly on the childish side (sometimes it's the child that needs the soothing).

Music, my constant companion.  Played loud enough even the noise in my head can be drowned out for a while at least.

A good day where my smile doesn't have to be forced.  My family brings out the best in me.

My most genuine smile to date; how could I not smile when my husband, my partner, was pledging himself to me?

The beginning of the crash, trying to hold on for dear life knowing how bad things get, but depression won.

A genuine smile.  Things were falling into place, I was going places, and I could breathe.

One of the earliest pictures I have access to.  A snapshot taken at the end of football (that's American football of course) practice and turned into buttons for parents to wear at the games.  I was a badass and could hold my own on the boy's team, even when it was difficult.

I've been in a lot of places and frames of mind since as far back as I can remember.  Depression has always been peering over my shoulder waiting to drag me deeper into itself.  On the days when life is just exhausting, I turn to my family, and know that despite everything they have been through with me they are still here, so I have to return the favour.

Today is Mother's Day here in the U.K. and I don't deserve the children I have been given but I thank god for them every day.

Happy Mother's Day from Newcastle!

PS:  I am going to work back to some sort of schedule working on my blog.  If there is anything of interest you'd like to hear about life here either as a recent transplant or on any topics of life please leave me a comment.  I'm also posting a lot of pictures over on Instagram if that sort of thing is intriguing.

Cheers!

Music Hath Charms: "Post Traumatic" **Trigger Warning**

**Trigger Warning: language, suicide, alcohol/drug use**

For many music fans, 20 July, 2017 will be a day of remembrance due to loss of Chester Bennington. Knowing the impact his death by suicide has had on me personally, as well as many Linkin Park fans, I can't imagine the grief suffered by his bandmates.  Since the death, many musicians have spoken up about their feelings and have dedicated songs and performances in his honour.  Not much has been heard from the survivors of Linkin Park as a whole, but band member Mike Shinoda released a solo album, influenced by his attempt to understand and continue to move forward in light of the loss.  The album 'Post Traumatic' contains stirring lyrics and heart-wrenching music throughout all the songs.  Released as a whole on 15 June, 2018, tracks from the album were pre-released as early as 25 January, 2018, and in December 2018 2 more tracks were included in a release to vinyl.  In total, there are 18 songs that play, with many artists performing songs with Mike.  Like my other music posts, I'm going to take my favourite lyrics and share them with you. This time around, I'm going to try and include my reasons for choosing those particular lyrics. Please let me know if that is something I should continue or if it just adds too much information.

Lyrics are from:  https://genius.com/a/read-all-the-lyrics-to-mike-shinoda-s-new-solo-album-post-traumatic
Use the link if you'd like to see the full lyrics for the songs I've chosen or to see what else is on the album.  The music is amazing and powerful.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Over Again

Post Traumatic (2018)

It was a month since he passed, maybe less
And no one knew what to do, we were such a mess
We were texting, we were calling, we were checking in
...
How do you feel, how you doing, how'd the show go?
Am I insane to say the truth is that I don’t know
My body aches head's spinning this is all wrong
I almost lost it in middle of a couple songs
And everybody that I talk to is like, “wow
Must be really hard to figure what to do now”
Well thank you genius, you think it'll be a challenge
Only my life's work hanging in the fucking balance
And all I wanted was to get a little bit of closure
And every step I took I looked and wasn't any closer
'Cause sometimes when you say goodbye, yeah you say it
Over and over and over and over

I'm in no way famous, but when a friend of mine completed suicide in her home (one town over from ours), every time we drove through the memory was there, and it really was a matter of having to say goodbye each time.  Up until the time we left I had not reconciled the feelings present.

Promises I Can't Keep

Post Traumatic (2018)

What's the difference between a man and a monster
Is it somewhere between "I can" and "I want to"
Is it somewhere between the promises I made
And the fact I couldn't see something getting in the way

[Pre-Chorus]
I used to think that I know what I want
Never saw it coming unglued
I used to think that I know what I want
Now it's time to see if it's true

[Chorus]
I had so much certainty
Till that moment I lost control
And I've tried but it never was up to me
I've got no worse enemy
Than the fear of what's still unknown
And the time's come to realize there will be
Promises I can't keep

[Verse 2]
What's the difference between a loss and a forfeit
I tried to make it better, but I made it more sick
I tried to make it right, but now awake at night
I know reality was getting in the way

I've thought long and hard on the line "Is it somewhere between 'I can' and 'I want to'" and which side of the coin equals man or monster.  I have spent a lot of time in the 'I want to' realm, but only get concerned when I crossover to the 'I can' side of things.  I rarely have much certainty, but when I do, losing control feels like the worst thing in the world.  There have been many times where I thought I was well enough to tackle something but ended up with 'promises I can't keep'.

Crossing A Line

Post Traumatic (2018)

I don’t know how to warn you
For what I’m gonna say
'Cause you’re holding so tight to
What I’m taking away
I got demons inside me
So I’m faced with a choice
Either try to ignore them
Or I give them a voice

[Pre-Chorus]
And it’s keeping me up at night
Worried it’s not alright
Holding back things you don’t know
And it’s keeping me up at night
Worried it’s not alright
You’re not gonna like where this goes

It's much easier some days to ignore the demons inside and try to not let others be hurt by them than it is to give them a voice, where you let everyone know how much you are hurting.  The internal debates can definitely keep you up at night; trying to come up with the best solution that will include honesty but not cause your loved ones to worry is a hard line to know when to cross.

Hold It Together

Post Traumatic (2018)

She said, "Are you okay?"
And I'm staring into space
It's making her nervous cause one thing is certain
I don't have my head on straight
We're trying to get through each week
On two or three hours of sleep
I say to be patient
That we're going to make it
I have to admit that I'm struggling

[Pre-Chorus]
They say take it slow
But the world keeps spinning
And that I don't control
And so there I go
Trying to act normal
So they won't know that…

[Chorus]
I'm just trying to hold my shit together
Together, darling
I'm just trying to hold my shit together
Together, darling

Staring into space, listening to all the noise that's in your head, and as sleep decreases the volume gets turned up until it's deafening.  Getting to the point where I can admit I'm struggling is a huge leap in trusting those around me (but they usually know I'm slipping before I say anything).  Keeping up appearances for as long as possible, and hoping that those outside of my immediate circle don't know anything is wrong seems to be the most important thing in the world.  Sometimes holding my shit together is a full time job and completely exhausting.

Make It Up As I Go

Post Traumatic (2018)

Featuring K. Flay

[Intro 1: K.Flay]
I keep on running backwards
I keep on losing faith
I thought I had the answers
I thought I knew the way

My brother said be patient
My mother held my hand
I don't know what I'm chasing
I don't know who I am

[Verse 1: Mike Shinoda]
Woke up this morning holding my head
Thinking last night is one I'll regret
Washing off the bad decisions, the blurry vision
The clues that I'm still a mess

Spitting out the taste I have in my mouth
Knowing what this all is really about
Knowing there's an explanation, an expiration
I gotta figure shit out

[Pre-Chorus: Mike Shinoda]
And they're asking me if I can see
The darkness down below
And I know it's true, I say I do
When half the time I don't

It's so easy to try and run from what we don't understand and don't want to feel, and sometimes that leads to things we regret when we're stronger or awake.  There is a darkness that is easy to fall into, and sometimes we don't see it until it's too late.  The path unfortunately is not straight forward, and I know I've taken as many steps backwards as forwards at times. But I'm told I have to give myself credit for just keeping going.

Running From My Shadow

Post Traumatic (2018)

Featuring Grandson 

[Verse 1: Mike Shinoda]
Wanna know where I don't go
When it goes from "okay" to a "oh no"
When it goes from hi five to a low blow
When it goes from all five to a solo
Lemme tell you what you don't know
I been down, so low, I was
Looking for something but denying that I found it
There's an elephant sitting in the room
And I can't find another way to tiptoe around it
I been doing greater good for a long time
But I can't find any other way to give now
I been putting myself on the sideline
And it's been time so I'm saying can I live now

There are times when I kick myself
Say I'm not sick but I can't get well
Say I got this while I chase my tail
As if they can't tell

[Chorus: Mike Shinoda]
I'm running from my shadow
Running from my shadow but it's still there chasing me down
I'll never win the battle
Never win the battle and I should have known it by now
Just when I think I've found the end (Oh)
I'm going back around again (Oh)
Running from my shadow
Running from my shadow but it's still there chasing me down

Sometimes, I think we chase our shadows, and sometimes they chase us.  There are always those times where things seem to be going well, and then something major comes in and kicks us back into the mess.  Admitting that we may be sick with whatever type of mental illness we have is a hard thing to do, but it has to happen to try and get well.  It doesn't matter how many go-arounds it takes, we will always be in the chase. It's just a matter of who's leading.  After something traumatic happens, I do think people tend to go into a holding pattern, but at some point, life has to happen again so asking the question can I live again is huge.

Nothing Makes Sense Anymore

Post Traumatic (2018)

I used to sleep without waking up
In a dream I made from painted walls
I was a moment away from done
When the black spilled out across it all
And my eyes were made sober
World was turned over
Washing out the lines I’d seen
And my heart is still breaking
Now that I awaken
No one’s left to answer me

[Chorus]
My inside’s out, my left is right
My upside’s down, my black is white
I hold my breath, and close my eyes
And wait for dawn, but there’s no light

The truths we face in our sleep can be very different from what we show on the outside.  Mike Shinoda is extremely creative in many genres.  He has done wall sized paintings for outdoors exhibitions, so imagine being almost done and then black paint spilling across all of it.  I think those who are creative in some ways have easier ways to express what is going on in their head but I think they are more susceptible to something coming along and erasing it.

World's On Fire

Post Traumatic (2018)

Don't think I need to say this
'Cause you know what's in my head
"Fucked up" is an understatement
Can't wait for this year to end
It all fell apart, don't know where to start
And everything moves so slow
I can't get a break, it's too much to take
But closing my eyes, I know

[Chorus]
When the world's on fire, all I need is you
I don't always think to say it but it's true
When I just wanna disappear, you're the one that keeps me here
The world's on fire, all I need is you

It doesn't matter if it's a year, or many years, out there is always a part of the brain that is "Fucked Up" after losing someone to suicide.  Having a person or two to turn to can make all the difference in the world.

Can't Hear You Now

Post Traumatic (2018)

Run, run it back, tell 'em what I'm coming at
I was on that bullshit then, now I'm done with that
Scared of what I didn't want, scared of what I wanted
And thought that I was finished but I hardly had begun, in fact
I'm a beast, I'm a monster, a savage
And any other metaphor the culture can imagine
And I got a caption for anybody asking
That is, "I am feeling fucking fantastic"

[Pre-Chorus]
Some days, it doesn't take much to bring me down
Some days, I'm struggling for control
Some days, it doesn't take much to bring me down
Right now, I'm floating above it all

There is a point in healing that their voice isn't always echoing in your head and you start to move on.  I think for someone who is so in the spotlight there will always be people who don't feel like they are mourning correctly, or for long enough, and that is where you just have to say it doesn't matter what you think "I am feeling fucking fantastic" and be okay with that.

Mike Shinoda put out this amazing album which gives a window into what he went through when he lost his friend Chester Bennington to suicide.  I feel like the album also helps those of us who are trying to heal from the loss of someone close to suicide.  For me, this album is a reminder of how much pain those closest to me would suffer if I committed suicide. So as bad as I feel at times, I know I can't do that to them.  I don't know if Mike knew he would save lives by sharing his pain through music, but I know I'm at least one who is being saved by listening to Post Traumatic.

Take Care!

The Parent Trap

In 1997 my husband used my family's tradition of opening one big gift on Christmas Eve to propose to me in front of all of them.  We set our wedding for October of 1998 and worked on getting things together.  One of the big discussions we had was about having children and we decided that yes we would have kids (eventually), we would aim to have 2 kids (twins run in my family so we were kind of rolling the dice on a second go around), and that we would name a boy William (a name popular on both sides of our families) and a girl Jessica Anne (the 'e' was very important).

The plan was to wait "awhile" after the wedding to start our family and we talked about travelling to Egypt, Europe, the UK, and anywhere else we had ever dreamed of visiting.  We knew that we would try to do things very differently from our families of origin (staying together and not marrying psychopaths were on that list).  In general we acknowledged that we had no clue how to be good parents but we would try to not "f*ck up the kids" to the best of our abilities.

October 24, 1998- Came, went, was absolutely amazing, beautiful, and just about perfect (a little issue with massive amounts of Grand Marnier in the frosting of the cake being the biggest hitch).  One big thing was missing though, my period.  A few weeks later and still no signs of "Aunt Flo" and we popped out to the drugstore for a home pregnancy test.  SURPRISE it was +, tried a second one (just to be sure) and still +.  Okay, okay home tests are sketchy so I'll see a Doctor and still + (holy shit we have a little one on the way).

Parenting went from a theoretical to an onrushing conclusion in the space of 2 supermarket tests and a little bit of wee.  Our plans for Egypt were quickly squashed and arrangements for a crib, a place for the baby to sleep, and natural childbirth vs. C-section moved into its place.  When we were far enough along for the ultrasound to (relatively) accurately predict the gender of our rapidly growing lump we cheated and chose to have the doctor tells us.  It's A Girl and it's not twins (thank god).  We continued our preparations and in July 1999 our daughter announced she was finished cooking and ready for the outside world.  The plan was for a vaginal birth (epidural included please), but this did not suit our little girl and after quite a lot of pushing (and not getting anywhere) plans were changed to an urgent/emergent C-section.

She was beautiful but a little cone-headed because of all the pushing and like all babies she knew how to get what she needed day and night.  We learned fast and we all survived (and even thrived).  She hit all of her milestones and of course we thought she was brilliant and going to change the world (we still think she is going to change the world and she's doing everything possible to make those around her see the same things).

During our initial discussions about having children we decided that we wanted them to be fairly close together age-wise and not more than 3 years apart if we could help it.  So, sometime around Fall of 2000 I stopped my birth control pills and we let fate decide when our next child would come to us. It didn't take long at all when we figured out Child 2 was on the way.  Again we let ultrasound take a peek for us and our little boy was willing to give the doctor the perfect flash of parts to let us step up our planning.  Since the birth of our daughter was fairly traumatic for all involved we decided it would be safer to schedule a C-section (all measurements showed William was going to be bigger than his sister so caution made sense), and by having all of my 'lady' parts hanging out after he was extracted it also allowed them to quickly and easily 'tie my tubes' to prevent future pregnancies.

Our son was beautiful, amazing, and loud, and with his birth I was now mom of a newborn and a toddler (what were we thinking) and learned the art of juggling like a pro.  By this time we were living in a very rural part of Colorado but made frequent trips to town to give them chances to socialise before they were old enough for school.

My daughter was fairly healthy but needed a couple of surgeries to fix some common childhood issues.  Her brother decided to make things more interesting by having some pretty complicated medical and behavioural issues that kept us on our toes and making frequent trips to town (an hour away) and to Denver (2 1/2-3 hours away) for specialist visits.

The local school was small enough to be Pre-Kindergarten - 12th grade in one building and was where my husband had started teaching.  At one point my whole family was together in the same school for a majority of the day.  Both kids did great in school and really thrived in the small class sizes.  After my husband completed his Master's degree we moved to a whole new corner of the state and into a "real" town with less than a mile between houses and even a McDonalds (amazing how easily amused we were).  The kids moved into much bigger schools and my daughter adapted no sweat but things were a little rougher for our son because of his special needs (but he did okay to start).

Being in a small town suited us all and made getting services for Will much easier.  We still took frequent trips to Denver for specialists (now 4 1/2-5 hours one way) but his day to day medical care could be handled a few blocks from home.  Will was also able to get involved with Special Olympics as an athlete in multiple sports (track and field, bocci ball, and bowling) and Jessica became a youth leader(?) and helped him and the rest of the team when she could.  They made an amazing pair and she was the best at reading him and knowing when he was running out of energy or getting overly excited, and she knew the easiest ways to intervene.

School was a place our daughter excelled!  She even used a program of concurrent enrolment that was offered between the high school and the local community college to graduate with both her high school diploma and an associates degree, all within a week or so of each other.  She also participated in multiple extracurricular activities through the school and continued to help with Special Olympics. She has gone on to University (the same Uni her father and I met at -- small world huh) working her way towards a history degree and certification to teach special education (told you she was going to change the world).  Just this term she is starting her student teaching, working on her senior thesis, and working as many hours as possible at an on campus job.  She will finish in Spring of 2020 and will go on to even greater things than she has accomplished so far.

School for William was a place to go, be with his friends, and learn some social skills.  Educating him is a huge challenge because he knows what he knows and those special things that excite him he knows enough that he can teach others about them (if you can keep up with him).  If it's not exciting to him or not presented in the perfect way it just does not make it through his filters, so it becomes frustrating to all involved. The school district was also not equipped to take on his medical needs and from middle school on it became a constant fight just to keep him safe while there.  So we made the decision this past Fall that he was better off getting real world skills than rereading Animal Farm or continuing to fight to learn division, so we unenrolled him from public school.  He has been able to participate in a jobs program that has introduced him to some of the types of work available in town and he loved it.  He also interviewed and was hired for a position that will have him learn about a local attraction, and once tourists start coming back he'll lead tours of it.  At Christmas he was able to share a very lengthy introduction after only having read an article online.  He'll do great.  He currently lives with his grandmother and helps take care of her, the cats and the house.  In the Fall when he turns 18 we'll start looking for the best place for him to be whether that continues to be in the town he's in now or in a larger city that may have more resources that will allow him to continue to grow and live semi-independently at some point.  He is an amazing person and when you consider all that he has overcome it is truly remarkable.  He makes an impression on everyone he meets and is going to take on the world and leave a mark wherever he lands.

Parenting started for us like it does for all parents, I think, it was theoretical and of course we imagined the best case scenarios for our children but you know what we got better than that from both of them.  They have blossomed into amazing young adults and have so much potential for the future it's immeasurable.  They will leave a legacy that we never could have fathomed.  We started our family a little earlier than originally planned but what we ended up with could only have been provided by fate.  Jessica and William are moving out into the world beyond our day to day influence but they remain the best of us.  Our family is strong and has endured much and now we get to watch as they make their mark on the world around them.

Cheers!

Getting ready to go through TSA screening on their way to visit us for the holidays.

Hard Reset and Starting Fresh

The initial steps taken on my journey to England began over 15 months ago with much in the way of research and reaching out to the specialists that would see me through the harder parts of my illnesses.  At the time my husband first brought up the idea of studying here I was undergoing ECT (electro-convulsive therapy) treatments at least twice a month and at times when I was inpatient I was getting them  three times per week.  When we began looking at moving, there was no end in sight so locating a hospital in the area that could continue my treatments was crucial.  With a little bit of research through the NHS websites, a treatment program was found not too far from the University my husband was applying to.  We reached out to the main physician through email and when we came to visit the city (before making a final decision to move) we arranged a tour of the treatment centre.  Other than the age of the building (old Victorian era hospital), and that within the same building there were separate male/female inpatient units (segregated units are common here and sound amazing if I need the time inpatient), the treatment area was much like what I was used to.  There was a patient prep area where the IV and monitors could be hooked up before being brought into the treatment room where the anaesthetic was given before the seizure would be induced.

The preview trip itself is a blur but I know we came home and decided it was worth it to apply and then see what happened next.  It was no big surprise when my husband was accepted and then a few months later learned he would receive a scholarship that was the final piece to making the move possible.  What did come as a big surprise was that after returning home I completed a few more ECT treatments associated with yet another inpatient stay, and then the decision was made that the treatments were causing more harm than good.  October 31, 2017 I completed my last treatment and came home a few days later.

For me ECT was somewhat equivalent to doing a 'Hard Reset' on a computer.  The initial treatments did not seem to do a whole lot but with major tweaks to the positioning and amplitude of the shock my mood slowly improved.  ECT, even when done correctly, has a major side effect of disrupting memory, and whoa, did mine get disrupted!  A lot of the time it is the working memory from around the time of treatments that are most effected -- things like forgetting names, whether or not a medication had been taken, losing words mid-sentence, and whether or not a certain topic had been discussed with those around you.  When ECT is given with bilateral electrode placement, memory loss is usually worse, and the majority of my treatments required the bilateral placement.  Pro-ECT literature talk about this memory disruption being temporary and that when treatment is stopped the memory returns.  Anti-ECT literature liken the treatments to medically induced brain damage and that memories will be gone for good.  When you are profoundly depressed, manic, or psychotic you are not always in a position to do independent research prior to signing on the dotted line of the consent form.

My memory loss was so extreme that I was trialled on 2 Alzheimers medications to try and slow the loss of everything important to me (neither worked).  I retain random pockets of memories from my early years, and because life is cruel I remember much of the abuse that had led to my extreme depression and chronic suicidal ideation that brought me to the ECT centre.  Outside of those pockets my memory sucks, which means I've lost meeting and marrying my husband, the birth of my two children is largely gone, and most of the last 30 years.  At more than a year away from my last treatment I have lost hope of regaining any of it.  I do have improved word recall (sometimes) and with the help of reminders and alarms can manage most of my own medications (taking them but not prepping them), and can sometimes remember that I've had a conversation with my husband.

My brain has undergone its Hard Reset and now I'm working on starting fresh.  I'm rereading books that I know I've read (and maybe even enjoyed) sometime in the past to try and stimulate connections that may still be there.  I have always been a researcher of some sort so I'm going back to topics I "know" I excelled at and I'm starting at the beginning (most recently learning the basics of genetics, biology and philosophy).  I'm rewatching movies that had some significance in my life or that I enjoyed watching with my family (watching Disney movies with new eyes has been so much fun even if my husband/kids laugh at me).  I have been able to experience so many things with childlike wonder because they are fresh and new to me in my 40+ year old brain.  I write things down because they still get lost and there is so much from NOW that I don't want to lose.

I wonder if/when my depression worsens to the point of being unable to take care of myself or to keep myself safe if I would allow more ECT treatments to be done to get me back on my feet, but I really don't know.  I have to accept that the initial run of treatments (done while inpatient) brought me to a place where I was able to rejoin my family even if I was not really able to participate with them for awhile longer.  The treatments did that for me, but they robbed me of a large portion of my adult life.  I think that there really wasn't a good solution, but we pursued the best solution for the condition I was in.  Could I do it again?  The me of today says the cost is too high but if in a life or death situation I know how far ECT brought me before so I just might have to do it again.

Hopefully it doesn't come to that anytime soon.  Instead I'm focusing on learning coping skills that may bring me out of the darkness of depression, and building a support network that I can turn to when things get really rough.  A fresh start in a city with so many resources is my best treatment option for the present.

An interesting article popped up in my news feed this morning.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-6648945/Controversial-electric-shock-therapy-approved-treat-depression-not-safe.html

Take Care,
Cheers