**Trigger Warning, language, self harm, suicide**
I stumbled across the musical "Next to Normal" while I was being treated with ECT for severe treatment resistant depression and BiPolar II. It presents the story of a woman with Bipolar I, mania, and delusions. The early parts of the musical deal with her reaching out for new or better treatments to get life back under control, at least to some degree, and when the more conventional treatments fail she undergoes ECT. Along the way we see the effects of her mental illness on her husband and daughter, we also see/ feel her delusions and how they interact with every part of life. It's a very powerful musical and sheds light on the inner turmoil of a woman trying to take care of her family but losing control of herself. *** All Lyrics from: https://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/nexttonormal.html ***A quick introduction to the characters
Diana- Wife, mom, mentally ill
Dan- Husband, dad, main caretaker
Natalie- 16 year old daughter
Henry- Wanna be boyfriend
Gabe- 19 year old son (real or delusional is a main theme)
Dr. Madden- Primary psychiatrist
Who Is Crazy/My Psychopharmacologist and I
Next to Normal (2008)
[Dan]
Who's crazy, the husband or wife?
Who's crazy to live their whole life
Believing that somehow things aren't as bizarre as they are?
Who's crazy the one who can't cope?
Or maybe, the one who'll still hope?
The one who sees doctors or the one who just waits in the car?
...
[Dr. Madden]
...The round blue ones with food, but not with the oblong white ones.
The white ones with the round yellow ones, but not with the trapezoidal green ones.
Split the green ones into thirds with a tiny chisel, use a mortar and pestle to grind?
...
[Diana]
My psychopharmacologist and I.
Call it a lover's game.
He knows my deepest secrets.
I know his... name!
And though he'll never hold me
He'll always take my calls.
It's truly like he told me
Without a little lift, the ballerina falls
You Don't Know
Next to Normal (2008)
[Diana]
Do you wake up in the morning and need help to lift your head?
Do you read obituaries and feel jealous of the dead?
It's like living on a cliffside not knowing when you'll dive.
Do you know, do you know what it's like to die alive?
When the world that once had color fades to white and grey and black.
When tomorrow terrifies you, but you'll die if you look back.
You don't know.
I know you don't know.
You say that you're hurting, it sure doesn't show.
You don't know.
Make Up Your Mind/Catch Me I'm Falling
Next to Normal (2008)
[Dr. Madden]
Make up your mind to explore yourself
Make up your mind you have stories to tell
We'll search in your past
For what sorrows may last
Then make up your mind to be well
...
Make up your mind to live stronger now
Make up your mind let the truth be revealed
Admit what you've lost and live with the cost
At times it does hurt to healed
...
Make up your mind you want clarity
Take what you know and make it make sense
Just admit what you fear
And soon it comes clear
The visions are just your defence
...
Make up your mind to be free at last
Make up your mind to be truly alive
Embrace what's inside the place that has died
And make up your mind to survive
I've Been
Next to Normal (2008)
[Dan]
Standing in this room,
Well I wonder what comes now.
I know I have to help her,
But hell if I know how.
And all the times that I've been told
The way her illness goes.
The truth of it is no one really knows.
...
And I've never had to face the world without her at my side.
Now I'm strolling right beside her as the black hole opens wide.
Mine is just a slower suicide.
I've been here for the show,
Every high, every low.
But it's the worst we've ever known.
She's been hurt and how?
But I can't give up now.
'Cause I've never been alone.
I could never be alone.
Didn't I See This Movie
Next to Normal (2008)
[Diana]
Didn't I see this movie with McMurphy and the nurse?
That hospital was heavy, but this cuckoo's nest it worse.
Isn't this the one where in the end the good guys fry?
Didn't I see this movie, and didn't I cry?
...
[Dan (spoken)]
Your mother sin for a new treatment. ECT.
[Natalie (spoken)]
Okay, LMNOIP, what is that, I don't know?
[Dan (spoken)]
Electro-convulsive Therapy. Shock Therapy.
[Natalie (spoken)]
You're kidding, right? That's bullshit.
[Diana]
What makes you think I'd lose my mind for you?
I'm no sociopath, I'm no Sylvia Plath
Wish I Were Here
Next to Normal (2008)
[Diana]
In an instant flashes and the burst might leave me blind.
When the bolt of lightening crashes and it burns right through my mind,
It's like someone drained my brain out, set my frozen mind to thaw,
Let the lethargy and pain out, while I stood in awe.
...
[Diana and Natalie]
Plug me in and turn me on,
And flip the switch, I'm good as gone.
It slits my skin, and trips my brain
And feel the burn, when I don't feel the pain.
Is my brain reborn, or is it wrecked,
In freedom or in fear?
Wish I were here.
Song of Forgetting
Next to Normal (2008)
[Dan (spoken)]
You don't remember any of this?
[Diana (spoken)]
I should, right?
[Dan]
This house and all these rooms
Last Christmas or last year
Out back the dogwood blooms
[Diana]
Do I really live here?
...
[Natalie]
My first few steps, and my first lost tooth
What nothing yet?
[Diana]
Well to tell the truth
[Dan]
Sing a song of forgetting
A song of the way things were not
Sing of what's lost to you
Of time that you never knew
Sing of not remembering when
Of memories that go unremembered and then
Sing a song of forgetting, again
That day our child was born
Our baby girl's first cry
...
[Natalie]
What a lovely cure
It's a medical miracle
With a mind so pure
That she doesn't know anything
Seconds and Years
Next to Normal (2008)
[Dr. Madden]
A little loss of memory is normal
And helpful in forgetting all her fears
[Dan]
I couldn't give a flying fuck what's normal
We haven't had a normal day in years
Aftershocks
Next to Normal (2008)
[Gabe]
They've managed to get rid of me, returned me to the grave
ECT, electric chair, we shock who we can't save
They've cleared you of my memory and many more as well
You may have wanted some of them but who can ever tell
Your brainwaves are more regular, the chemistry more pure
The headaches and the nausea will pass and you'll endure
Your son is gone forever though, of that the doctor's sure
The memories will wane, the aftershocks remain
You wonder which is worse, the symptom or the cure
...
[Diana]
It's been four weeks since the treatment
And my mind is still a mess
And who's left to be remembered
Well it's anybody's guess
Cause my past is like the weather
It will come and it will go
I don't know, even know
What it is that I don't know
I'm some Christopher Colombus
Sailing out into my mind
With no map of where I'm going
Or of what I've left behind
...
[Dr. Madden]
Does the puzzle come together
Piece by piece and row by row?
[Diana]
I don't know, I don't know
Where the fucking pieces go
Cause I don't know how this started
So I won't know when it's done
The Break
Next to Normal (2008)
They told me that the wiring was somehow all misfiring and screwing up the signals in my brain.
And then they told me chemistry, the juice and not the circuitry, was mixing up and making me insane.
What happens when the burn has healed when the skin has not regrown?
What happens when the cast, at last, comes off, and then you find the break was always in another bone?
...
They tried a million meds and
They strapped me to their beds and
They shrugged and told me 'that's the way it goes'
But finally you hit it!
I asked you just what did it.
You shrugged and said that no one really knows.
What happens if the medicine wasn't really in control?
What happens if the cut, the burn, the break was never in my brain, or in my blood, but in my soul?
What happens if the cut, the burn, the break was never in my brain, or in my blood, but in my soul?
Make Up Your Mind/ Catch Me I'm Falling (Reprise)
Next to Normal (2008)
[Dr. Madden (spoken)]
The ECT is powerful, it gave you your life back,
but the effects often fade and additional treatments are almost always necessary.
[Diana (spoken)]
That wasn't on the form.
[Dr. Madden]
Make up your mind that you'll try again
Make up your mind there are moments of light
But one things that's sure is that there is no cure
But that doesn't mean we don't fight.
...
[Diana (spoken)]
I've had this lovely and fascinating relationship with you doctors and your treatments for 16 years but now I think I'm done.
[Dr. Madden (spoken)]
Diana, medicine isn't perfect, but it's what we have.
[Diana (spoken)]
Goodbye Dr. Madden.
Maybe
Next to Normal (2008)
[Diana]
Maybe I've lost it at last
Maybe my last lucid moment has past
I'm dancing with death, I suppose.
But really, who knows?
Could be I'm crazy to go.
They say you should stay with the devil you know
But when life needs a change
And the one devil won't
You fight to the devil you don't
...
[Natalie]
It's so lovely that you're sharing
No, really, I'm all ears
But where has all this caring been
For sixteen years
For all those years I'd pray that
You'd go away for good
Half the ti me afraid that you really would
When I thought you might be dying
I cried for all we've never be
But there'll be no more crying
Not for me
...
[Diana]
We tried to give you a normal life. I realise now, I have no clue what that is.
[Natalie]
I don't need a life that's normal
That's way too far away
But something next to normal
Would be okay
Yeah, something next to normal
That's the thing I'd like to try
Close enough to normal To get by
[Diana]
We'll get by
[Natalie]
We'll get by
Hey 3/ Perfect For You (Reprise)
[Natalie]
Am I crazy?
I might end up crazy
[Henry]
I'll be here for you
[Natalie]
You say that right here
But then give it a year
Or 10 years or a life
And I could end up your wife
Sitting staring at walls
Throwing shit down the stairs
Freaking out at the store
Running nude down the street
Bleeding out in the bath
[Henry]
Perfect for you
I will be perfect for you
So you could go crazy
Or I could go crazy, it's true
Sometimes life isn't sane
But crazy I know I can do
Cause crazy is perfect
And fucked up is perfect
So I will be perfect
[Natalie]
Perfect
[Both]
Perfect for you
Didn't I See This Movie
Next to Normal (2008)
[Diana]
Didn't I see this movie with McMurphy and the nurse?
That hospital was heavy, but this cuckoo's nest it worse.
Isn't this the one where in the end the good guys fry?
Didn't I see this movie, and didn't I cry?
...
[Dan (spoken)]
Your mother sin for a new treatment. ECT.
[Natalie (spoken)]
Okay, LMNOIP, what is that, I don't know?
[Dan (spoken)]
Electro-convulsive Therapy. Shock Therapy.
[Natalie (spoken)]
You're kidding, right? That's bullshit.
[Diana]
What makes you think I'd lose my mind for you?
I'm no sociopath, I'm no Sylvia Plath
Wish I Were Here
Next to Normal (2008)
[Diana]
In an instant flashes and the burst might leave me blind.
When the bolt of lightening crashes and it burns right through my mind,
It's like someone drained my brain out, set my frozen mind to thaw,
Let the lethargy and pain out, while I stood in awe.
...
[Diana and Natalie]
Plug me in and turn me on,
And flip the switch, I'm good as gone.
It slits my skin, and trips my brain
And feel the burn, when I don't feel the pain.
Is my brain reborn, or is it wrecked,
In freedom or in fear?
Wish I were here.
Song of Forgetting
Next to Normal (2008)
[Dan (spoken)]
You don't remember any of this?
[Diana (spoken)]
I should, right?
[Dan]
This house and all these rooms
Last Christmas or last year
Out back the dogwood blooms
[Diana]
Do I really live here?
...
[Natalie]
My first few steps, and my first lost tooth
What nothing yet?
[Diana]
Well to tell the truth
[Dan]
Sing a song of forgetting
A song of the way things were not
Sing of what's lost to you
Of time that you never knew
Sing of not remembering when
Of memories that go unremembered and then
Sing a song of forgetting, again
That day our child was born
Our baby girl's first cry
...
[Natalie]
What a lovely cure
It's a medical miracle
With a mind so pure
That she doesn't know anything
Seconds and Years
Next to Normal (2008)
[Dr. Madden]
A little loss of memory is normal
And helpful in forgetting all her fears
[Dan]
I couldn't give a flying fuck what's normal
We haven't had a normal day in years
Aftershocks
Next to Normal (2008)
[Gabe]
They've managed to get rid of me, returned me to the grave
ECT, electric chair, we shock who we can't save
They've cleared you of my memory and many more as well
You may have wanted some of them but who can ever tell
Your brainwaves are more regular, the chemistry more pure
The headaches and the nausea will pass and you'll endure
Your son is gone forever though, of that the doctor's sure
The memories will wane, the aftershocks remain
You wonder which is worse, the symptom or the cure
...
[Diana]
It's been four weeks since the treatment
And my mind is still a mess
And who's left to be remembered
Well it's anybody's guess
Cause my past is like the weather
It will come and it will go
I don't know, even know
What it is that I don't know
I'm some Christopher Colombus
Sailing out into my mind
With no map of where I'm going
Or of what I've left behind
...
[Dr. Madden]
Does the puzzle come together
Piece by piece and row by row?
[Diana]
I don't know, I don't know
Where the fucking pieces go
Cause I don't know how this started
So I won't know when it's done
The Break
Next to Normal (2008)
They told me that the wiring was somehow all misfiring and screwing up the signals in my brain.
And then they told me chemistry, the juice and not the circuitry, was mixing up and making me insane.
What happens when the burn has healed when the skin has not regrown?
What happens when the cast, at last, comes off, and then you find the break was always in another bone?
...
They tried a million meds and
They strapped me to their beds and
They shrugged and told me 'that's the way it goes'
But finally you hit it!
I asked you just what did it.
You shrugged and said that no one really knows.
What happens if the medicine wasn't really in control?
What happens if the cut, the burn, the break was never in my brain, or in my blood, but in my soul?
What happens if the cut, the burn, the break was never in my brain, or in my blood, but in my soul?
Make Up Your Mind/ Catch Me I'm Falling (Reprise)
Next to Normal (2008)
[Dr. Madden (spoken)]
The ECT is powerful, it gave you your life back,
but the effects often fade and additional treatments are almost always necessary.
[Diana (spoken)]
That wasn't on the form.
[Dr. Madden]
Make up your mind that you'll try again
Make up your mind there are moments of light
But one things that's sure is that there is no cure
But that doesn't mean we don't fight.
...
[Diana (spoken)]
I've had this lovely and fascinating relationship with you doctors and your treatments for 16 years but now I think I'm done.
[Dr. Madden (spoken)]
Diana, medicine isn't perfect, but it's what we have.
[Diana (spoken)]
Goodbye Dr. Madden.
Maybe
Next to Normal (2008)
[Diana]
Maybe I've lost it at last
Maybe my last lucid moment has past
I'm dancing with death, I suppose.
But really, who knows?
Could be I'm crazy to go.
They say you should stay with the devil you know
But when life needs a change
And the one devil won't
You fight to the devil you don't
...
[Natalie]
It's so lovely that you're sharing
No, really, I'm all ears
But where has all this caring been
For sixteen years
For all those years I'd pray that
You'd go away for good
Half the ti me afraid that you really would
When I thought you might be dying
I cried for all we've never be
But there'll be no more crying
Not for me
...
[Diana]
We tried to give you a normal life. I realise now, I have no clue what that is.
[Natalie]
I don't need a life that's normal
That's way too far away
But something next to normal
Would be okay
Yeah, something next to normal
That's the thing I'd like to try
Close enough to normal To get by
[Diana]
We'll get by
[Natalie]
We'll get by
Hey 3/ Perfect For You (Reprise)
[Natalie]
Am I crazy?
I might end up crazy
[Henry]
I'll be here for you
[Natalie]
You say that right here
But then give it a year
Or 10 years or a life
And I could end up your wife
Sitting staring at walls
Throwing shit down the stairs
Freaking out at the store
Running nude down the street
Bleeding out in the bath
[Henry]
Perfect for you
I will be perfect for you
So you could go crazy
Or I could go crazy, it's true
Sometimes life isn't sane
But crazy I know I can do
Cause crazy is perfect
And fucked up is perfect
So I will be perfect
[Natalie]
Perfect
[Both]
Perfect for you
Next to Normal is a lesser known musical, but I believe it should be required background music on any psychiatric ward (okay maybe not that far but I think it needs to get wider play for those with mental illness). When going through ECT having the knowledge that my memory loss wasn't a character fault but was experienced by Diana as well was very comforting. ECT doesn't make it into many media forms without it being used as a torture technique or as a historical representation and not showing the changes and improvements that have been made since the late 1980's. I don't believe that it is over used, or that doctors are purposely hiding the possibility of side effects. Every brain is different so every person will respond differently. Seeing (feeling) the interactions between the family members and especially between Diana and Natalie has helped me see how much my illness has effected those around me. Music is such a powerful media that it can express (especially for us who struggle to express) our thoughts, fears and feelings. So, once again if this has intrigued anyone seek out the full musical it is available on Apple Music, YouTube, and Pandora (maybe others).
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