The initial steps taken on my journey to England began over 15 months ago with much in the way of research and reaching out to the specialists that would see me through the harder parts of my illnesses. At the time my husband first brought up the idea of studying here I was undergoing ECT (electro-convulsive therapy) treatments at least twice a month and at times when I was inpatient I was getting them three times per week. When we began looking at moving, there was no end in sight so locating a hospital in the area that could continue my treatments was crucial. With a little bit of research through the NHS websites, a treatment program was found not too far from the University my husband was applying to. We reached out to the main physician through email and when we came to visit the city (before making a final decision to move) we arranged a tour of the treatment centre. Other than the age of the building (old Victorian era hospital), and that within the same building there were separate male/female inpatient units (segregated units are common here and sound amazing if I need the time inpatient), the treatment area was much like what I was used to. There was a patient prep area where the IV and monitors could be hooked up before being brought into the treatment room where the anaesthetic was given before the seizure would be induced.
The preview trip itself is a blur but I know we came home and decided it was worth it to apply and then see what happened next. It was no big surprise when my husband was accepted and then a few months later learned he would receive a scholarship that was the final piece to making the move possible. What did come as a big surprise was that after returning home I completed a few more ECT treatments associated with yet another inpatient stay, and then the decision was made that the treatments were causing more harm than good. October 31, 2017 I completed my last treatment and came home a few days later.
For me ECT was somewhat equivalent to doing a 'Hard Reset' on a computer. The initial treatments did not seem to do a whole lot but with major tweaks to the positioning and amplitude of the shock my mood slowly improved. ECT, even when done correctly, has a major side effect of disrupting memory, and whoa, did mine get disrupted! A lot of the time it is the working memory from around the time of treatments that are most effected -- things like forgetting names, whether or not a medication had been taken, losing words mid-sentence, and whether or not a certain topic had been discussed with those around you. When ECT is given with bilateral electrode placement, memory loss is usually worse, and the majority of my treatments required the bilateral placement. Pro-ECT literature talk about this memory disruption being temporary and that when treatment is stopped the memory returns. Anti-ECT literature liken the treatments to medically induced brain damage and that memories will be gone for good. When you are profoundly depressed, manic, or psychotic you are not always in a position to do independent research prior to signing on the dotted line of the consent form.
My memory loss was so extreme that I was trialled on 2 Alzheimers medications to try and slow the loss of everything important to me (neither worked). I retain random pockets of memories from my early years, and because life is cruel I remember much of the abuse that had led to my extreme depression and chronic suicidal ideation that brought me to the ECT centre. Outside of those pockets my memory sucks, which means I've lost meeting and marrying my husband, the birth of my two children is largely gone, and most of the last 30 years. At more than a year away from my last treatment I have lost hope of regaining any of it. I do have improved word recall (sometimes) and with the help of reminders and alarms can manage most of my own medications (taking them but not prepping them), and can sometimes remember that I've had a conversation with my husband.
My brain has undergone its Hard Reset and now I'm working on starting fresh. I'm rereading books that I know I've read (and maybe even enjoyed) sometime in the past to try and stimulate connections that may still be there. I have always been a researcher of some sort so I'm going back to topics I "know" I excelled at and I'm starting at the beginning (most recently learning the basics of genetics, biology and philosophy). I'm rewatching movies that had some significance in my life or that I enjoyed watching with my family (watching Disney movies with new eyes has been so much fun even if my husband/kids laugh at me). I have been able to experience so many things with childlike wonder because they are fresh and new to me in my 40+ year old brain. I write things down because they still get lost and there is so much from NOW that I don't want to lose.
I wonder if/when my depression worsens to the point of being unable to take care of myself or to keep myself safe if I would allow more ECT treatments to be done to get me back on my feet, but I really don't know. I have to accept that the initial run of treatments (done while inpatient) brought me to a place where I was able to rejoin my family even if I was not really able to participate with them for awhile longer. The treatments did that for me, but they robbed me of a large portion of my adult life. I think that there really wasn't a good solution, but we pursued the best solution for the condition I was in. Could I do it again? The me of today says the cost is too high but if in a life or death situation I know how far ECT brought me before so I just might have to do it again.
Hopefully it doesn't come to that anytime soon. Instead I'm focusing on learning coping skills that may bring me out of the darkness of depression, and building a support network that I can turn to when things get really rough. A fresh start in a city with so many resources is my best treatment option for the present.
An interesting article popped up in my news feed this morning.
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-6648945/Controversial-electric-shock-therapy-approved-treat-depression-not-safe.html
Take Care,
Cheers
No comments:
Post a Comment