Hard Reset and Starting Fresh

The initial steps taken on my journey to England began over 15 months ago with much in the way of research and reaching out to the specialists that would see me through the harder parts of my illnesses.  At the time my husband first brought up the idea of studying here I was undergoing ECT (electro-convulsive therapy) treatments at least twice a month and at times when I was inpatient I was getting them  three times per week.  When we began looking at moving, there was no end in sight so locating a hospital in the area that could continue my treatments was crucial.  With a little bit of research through the NHS websites, a treatment program was found not too far from the University my husband was applying to.  We reached out to the main physician through email and when we came to visit the city (before making a final decision to move) we arranged a tour of the treatment centre.  Other than the age of the building (old Victorian era hospital), and that within the same building there were separate male/female inpatient units (segregated units are common here and sound amazing if I need the time inpatient), the treatment area was much like what I was used to.  There was a patient prep area where the IV and monitors could be hooked up before being brought into the treatment room where the anaesthetic was given before the seizure would be induced.

The preview trip itself is a blur but I know we came home and decided it was worth it to apply and then see what happened next.  It was no big surprise when my husband was accepted and then a few months later learned he would receive a scholarship that was the final piece to making the move possible.  What did come as a big surprise was that after returning home I completed a few more ECT treatments associated with yet another inpatient stay, and then the decision was made that the treatments were causing more harm than good.  October 31, 2017 I completed my last treatment and came home a few days later.

For me ECT was somewhat equivalent to doing a 'Hard Reset' on a computer.  The initial treatments did not seem to do a whole lot but with major tweaks to the positioning and amplitude of the shock my mood slowly improved.  ECT, even when done correctly, has a major side effect of disrupting memory, and whoa, did mine get disrupted!  A lot of the time it is the working memory from around the time of treatments that are most effected -- things like forgetting names, whether or not a medication had been taken, losing words mid-sentence, and whether or not a certain topic had been discussed with those around you.  When ECT is given with bilateral electrode placement, memory loss is usually worse, and the majority of my treatments required the bilateral placement.  Pro-ECT literature talk about this memory disruption being temporary and that when treatment is stopped the memory returns.  Anti-ECT literature liken the treatments to medically induced brain damage and that memories will be gone for good.  When you are profoundly depressed, manic, or psychotic you are not always in a position to do independent research prior to signing on the dotted line of the consent form.

My memory loss was so extreme that I was trialled on 2 Alzheimers medications to try and slow the loss of everything important to me (neither worked).  I retain random pockets of memories from my early years, and because life is cruel I remember much of the abuse that had led to my extreme depression and chronic suicidal ideation that brought me to the ECT centre.  Outside of those pockets my memory sucks, which means I've lost meeting and marrying my husband, the birth of my two children is largely gone, and most of the last 30 years.  At more than a year away from my last treatment I have lost hope of regaining any of it.  I do have improved word recall (sometimes) and with the help of reminders and alarms can manage most of my own medications (taking them but not prepping them), and can sometimes remember that I've had a conversation with my husband.

My brain has undergone its Hard Reset and now I'm working on starting fresh.  I'm rereading books that I know I've read (and maybe even enjoyed) sometime in the past to try and stimulate connections that may still be there.  I have always been a researcher of some sort so I'm going back to topics I "know" I excelled at and I'm starting at the beginning (most recently learning the basics of genetics, biology and philosophy).  I'm rewatching movies that had some significance in my life or that I enjoyed watching with my family (watching Disney movies with new eyes has been so much fun even if my husband/kids laugh at me).  I have been able to experience so many things with childlike wonder because they are fresh and new to me in my 40+ year old brain.  I write things down because they still get lost and there is so much from NOW that I don't want to lose.

I wonder if/when my depression worsens to the point of being unable to take care of myself or to keep myself safe if I would allow more ECT treatments to be done to get me back on my feet, but I really don't know.  I have to accept that the initial run of treatments (done while inpatient) brought me to a place where I was able to rejoin my family even if I was not really able to participate with them for awhile longer.  The treatments did that for me, but they robbed me of a large portion of my adult life.  I think that there really wasn't a good solution, but we pursued the best solution for the condition I was in.  Could I do it again?  The me of today says the cost is too high but if in a life or death situation I know how far ECT brought me before so I just might have to do it again.

Hopefully it doesn't come to that anytime soon.  Instead I'm focusing on learning coping skills that may bring me out of the darkness of depression, and building a support network that I can turn to when things get really rough.  A fresh start in a city with so many resources is my best treatment option for the present.

An interesting article popped up in my news feed this morning.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-6648945/Controversial-electric-shock-therapy-approved-treat-depression-not-safe.html

Take Care,
Cheers

When Do We Eat and What’s on the Menu

In 'Lord of the Rings' Merry and Pippin like all good Hobbits are concerned about the meal schedule while they are travelling with Frodo, Samwise, and Strider.  After their breakfast is interrupted and being told they will travel as fast as possible to Lothlorien they ask about 2nd breakfast and Elevensies.  As humorous as this exchange is it is based (somewhat loosely) on actual traditional British meal times.

I experienced this for the first time while on a hospital ward at the Royal Victoria Infirmary.  At roughly 0600 the lights were turned on and a trolley was brought in with the offer of coffee or tea.  Not a bad way to wake up but somewhat unexpected (nothing like this happens in most U.S. hospitals).  An hour or so later we were all moved from our beds to one of the chairs next to them and breakfast was offered, this consisted of the choices of bread and jam or an assortment of cereals with milk.  Throughout the rest of the day trollies were brought around with snacks and meals (all with tea as the main drink option).  With the last offer of tea and a snack at 2100 (an hour I am usually asleep).  Upon coming home I started looking into why there were so many chances at eating throughout the day, it seemed excessive, and this is what I found.  These are not hard and fast rules but it has a historical aspect that hasn't totally been converted to the typical 3 meals a day.

Breakfast - ≈  0600-0900 (sometimes called Brekkie)
     Light foods such as bread and jam, cereal, porridge (oatmeal) with syrup and/or brown sugar, fruit
     A Traditional English Breakfast (a Fry-up) is what a lot of people think of when they hear breakfast here and includes foods such as sausages, beans, toast, bacon, fried eggs (that are usually still runny so you can dip your toast in the yolk, yuck!), fried mushrooms, fried tomato, hash browns, and sometimes kippers (haven't seen these offered yet) or blood sausage (sausages filled with blood that has been mixed with a filler to solidify the mixture when cooked).  Most eating establishments offer a vegetarian version with veggie sausages replacing the meat.
Brunch- ≈ Late morning meal between breakfast and lunch to replace both meals that day
     Anything goes for brunch, most places still serve breakfast or the lunch menu can kick in on the early side.  Nothing too different from brunch in the U.S.
Elevenses - ≈ 1100
     Snack foods such as biscuits and coffee
Lunch - ≈ 1200-1300
     A variety of foods such as sandwiches (one of my favourites is egg mayonnaise and cress), sometimes bread and cheese, crackers, soup and bread, pork pie (served cold), salads.  Sometimes eaten at pubs or easily transported to work.
     Sunday Lunch (or Sunday Supper) would include foods such as roasted meats, potatoes, gravy, and Yorkshire puddings, and is a somewhat formal meal.
Tea - ≈ 1600-1700 sometimes referred to as Afternoon Tea or even High Tea (later in day closer to 1800)
    Light meal of foods such as sandwiches, cakes, biscuits and tea, scones, jam and cream.
Supper- ≈ 1800-1900
    A light meal in the evening
Dinner x- ≈ 1900-2100 sometimes served as a midday meal
    Main meal of the day with foods such as roasted meat, veggies (frequently 2 vegetables are offered), potatoes, Yorkshire puddings.

While looking for some of this information I came across a couple of great websites that you may want to check out.  The one has a basic introduction to everything British for incoming students:

http://www.ukstudentlife.com/Britain/Food/Meals.htm

The other site is aimed at students and teachers:

https://www.englishclub.com/ref/esl/Power_of_7/7_Meals_of_the_Day_2946.php

There are days where eating so frequently is appealing but I'm too much engrained in the 3 meals a day scheme to do it very often.  There are so many great foods to eat that I'm becoming spoilt and very rarely do I miss the foods that used to be staples in America.

My husband and I are not typical foodies, he is a strict vegetarian and I am kind of wishy washy about meat, we are very happy to have the simplest of meals (soup and bread, scrounge through left overs, or pasta are all favourites).  We do have some meals that we fall back on frequently and usually keep the ingredients in stock to make a quick decision on the nights he returns from Uni. kind of late or I'm too tired to put a lot of effort into putting a meal on the table.

+ Cheese toasties and soup (we have found the most amazing cream of tomato soup in a tin here).
+ Pasta with sauce (there is one brand of sauce we love and are working our way through the varieties of flavours) sometimes we add in vegetarian meat crumbles if we want extra protein.
+ Bread, fruit and cheese (the freshness of all of these is amazing here and unlike in the U.S. it doesn't cost us an arm and a leg to have our Roman meal).
+ Sandwiches with soup if it's a dinner or with fruit or another side if for lunch (favourite sandwiches include Egg mayonnaise and Cress, lunch meat with cheese and tomato, peanut butter and jam, and just cheese and tomato sometimes).  We have a favourite bread that is perfect for making toasties but is also great for other sandwiches.
+ Bangers and mash with lots of gravy (we tend to use vegetarian sausages to make it easier to cook for us both).
+ Indian sauces with rice and vegetarian chicken pieces (there are so many choices in sauces from flavourful but mild to melt your tastebuds off, there are also at least 3 brands of ready made sauces to choose from).
+ Anything combined with chips!  Boca burgers, fishless fish fingers, chicken nuggets (veggie style of course).  The requisite condiment for chips is curry sauce, something we used to have shipped to Colorado and now can buy it no sweat in our local market.  For me chips nuked with cheese, meat and salsa is a favourite breakfast when I'm totally uninspired.

These are the offerings we keep in almost constant rotation, and since there are so many different varieties we have yet to get bored with the foods we eat (or maybe those are the nights we plan on a takeaway instead of cooking something).  I won't lie there have been foods I didn't like when I tried them here, but I keep trying new things and have expanded my food repertoire quite a bit since being here.

If there are any foods you want to try but are afraid of drop me a line and I can try to give you a personal review that may just be enough to help you give it a go.
Cheers!

A Winter Wonderland

I grew up in Colorado so I am very used to winter weather.  I may not have always liked it, but it was what it was.  Starting in October, snow could come at any time of day or night, even while the sun was trying to shine.  A couple of inches of snow were no big deal, and it wasn't until 6-12 inches of the white stuff fell that we'd even bother bringing the boots out of the closet.  Blizzards came and went, sometimes leaving feet of snow in their wake and giving us kids  a few days off of school, but inevitably with a shovel in our hands instead of a pencil.   Anything that had even the mildest elevation change became a "hill" worth dragging the sled out of the garage and up to the top of (over and over and over).

My kids grew up in Colorado, and they do not share a love of the white stuff that fuels the state's economy.  In fact,  they can be fairly vocal in their hatred of it.  My daughter is of driving age so that's where a lot of her dislike comes from, and my son just hates change, and anything that requires him to cover up his beloved hoodies with a heavy coat.

When they came to visit over the holidays we pretty much promised them that, although they weren't escaping to anywhere tropical, they would most likely be getting a break from the snow.  The trip came and the weather gods were in our favour, so nothing much fell from the sky.  The past few days, though, my husband and I have been watching the forecasts and here and there the little snowflakes were appearing.  Since meteorology seems to be more guessing than science, we didn't worry about it at all.  Besides, the measurements they were showing were in the millimetre range (we didn't even know people tried to measure snow that small) and occasionally a whole centimetre.  We watched the forecasts and looked at the sky, and over and over again there was no snow.  Then last Thursday morning, when my husband opened the curtain in our kitchen, we were finally greeted with British snow, and it was beautiful.

Great big fluffy flakes, drifting down gently and leaving behind not much in the way of accumulations.  Like with a lot of early snow the ground wasn't cold enough for it to stick around very long, but while it was here it kind of looked like home.  We watched along with the rest of the world when last year "The Beast from the East" came through and dumped a couple of inches of snow in some places and feet in others, so we know it's possible, but for now we'll enjoy our first "snowstorm" and wait to see what the rest of the winter brings us.

A trip around the Flat

We live in a small one bedroom flat that is the perfect size for the two of us.  Upon our move we found a basic set of furniture and friends of ours provided most of the items any well established British household could possible need.  A lot of what we use on a daily basis is run of the mill items any American household would find helpful and recognisable, but there are a few things that stand out.

Our flat is part of a larger row of terraced houses.  This means we have upstairs neighbours and ones on both sides of us.  Originally (like in the late 1800s) ours would have been a single family residence with an upstairs and downstairs.  Many have now been converted into multiple unit houses instead.  We live at the end of our road and sometime in the past part of the building was torn down to make room for a school and park that are at the end of our row.  All that means to us is that the other rows of houses are much longer than ours.  After the mass destruction of housing during the Second World War terraced houses were a quick and efficient way to rebuild, so there are some that are more recently built.

The room we use as a bedroom is at the front of our flat and would have been used as a parlour for when company came around.  Parlours were decked out with all the best in furnishings and decoration and were used to make a good impression on visitors.  Other areas of the house were for private use only and were not so elaborately furnished.  For just this downstairs portion we have 5 doors that control access between each room.

One thing that has taken adjusting to is the lack of door knobs on the exterior doors.  This is the inside of our door to the main hall.  To exit the top lock has a knob to disengage the lock, then pull and the door opens.  On the outside the key turned in the same lock and a push opens the door.  The door to the outside has the same pattern to the locks, turn and pull to exit, twist and push to enter.  Not sure if there is any sort of advantage but it's definitely different.

We spend quite a bit of time in the kitchen so we'll start there.

The gas cooktop is known as the Hob. Luckily ours has 4 burners even though many are just one or two burners.

Our oven is one of the most complicated models I have ever worked with, and this includes the couple of years cooking on a 70+ year old model.  One of the first things I learned the hard way is the temperature dial is in ˚C, so for recipes it takes a conversion.  So yeah, my first experience with this oven was a simple baking of chips that ended with me in tears, all of the smoke alarms going off, and a pan that had to be soaked and scrubbed a couple of times.  We have recently committed to a second year in our flat and I'm fairly confident by the end I will have figured all the settings out.

In our kitchen the fridge-freezer combination is roughly the size of a travel fridge in a trailer.  Ours is split 50/50 between the top refrigerator and the bottom freezer.  Fortunately for two occupants this is about perfect, except for the first day or so after shopping when the fridge is packed from top to bottom and an avalanche risk every time the door is opened.

Tea is a staple in most British households so they have perfected the quick boil electric kettle that can sit on the countertop waiting for the switch to engage and be at a rolling boil in a very short time period.  The kettle can of course be used for anything requiring boiling water, but I'm pretty sure it was invented to decrease the time from start to finish for the daily pot of tea.

The kitchen in a basic flat like we live in is on the compact side but not tiny.  Still there is no room (or need?) of a dishwasher.  You do sometimes see the clothes washer in the kitchen, but I think that has to do with plumbing more than space.

Next let's look at the loo.

Many of the bathroom taps have this configuration with separate nozzles for the hot and cold water.  To get lukewarm water you use the plug and fill the sink with a magic combination of the two and work from there.  In public restrooms there is usually a sign warning of "Very Hot Water, Caution", because of the boilers used for hot water the water goes from cold to hotter than hell in no time flat.

Many of the toilets have variable flush volumes triggered by one of two buttons.  They are usually of different sizes to make things easier to identify with the smaller button used for wee and the larger for poo.  This is a water conservation feature that is brilliant.  In public toilets the multi-flush is not always seen and a more familiar lever or button is used.

One of my favourite features of the bathroom is our radiator/towel rack combination.  Around 5 minutes before a shower I will engage the boiler to start warming the room up but also to warm the towel to be used at the end so it is comfy cozy warm.  When getting into a shower I will hang my dressing gown on the rack so it's nice and warm too.  Definitely not a necessity but it is a welcome luxury.

Speaking of the boiler this is the magic box that provides all the hot water for the taps but also for the radiators that keep the rooms warm.  It is controlled by a fairly complicated set of switches to allow for it to engage at set times or has a bypass switch to fire it up on demand.  It is incredibly efficient and within minutes of engaging the radiators are almost too hot to touch and all you can use hot water is flowing from the taps.  So far we have not run it out of hot water so it puts out a crapton at any given time.

Most of the room radiators look like this, they are not huge but they do a great job of warming up even the coldest of the rooms.

Our little washer is nothing fancy and it does a great job with whatever we throw at it.  The problem we have is that without a dryer we need to hang dry our loads but in a climate that is cold and humid (when it's not outright raining) things just don't want to dry.  We have gotten creative with locations to hang clothes in our flat and most of the time they are ready by the next day.  An early lesson we learned was small frequent loads and don't count on the outside clothesline.

When traveling overseas an outlet adapter is a necessity.  Here in the UK our outlets look like this.  We are using a combination of adapters and purchased plugs for our USB chargers.

One thing that I had never seen or heard of was that each plug on an outlet has a switch.  Here is one of our kitchen outlets where the left plug is powered on but the right is off.  The one on the right is the plug for our toaster and since we rarely use it we leave it in the off position, which of course means I forget about the switch for at least a few minutes while I fight the toaster to toast and then have my Duh! moment and turn it on.

Our Christmas lights came like this, with an interchangeable plug end that can then be screwed onto the light string.  My husband says (and he's usually right) that this is because the plug types in the UK were not  universal in the past so this would allow for greater flexibility.  Along with this many appliances come with wiring diagrams so that one type of plug could be removed and a new one wired into its place.

A quick trip back to the bedroom and you will find no closet but instead clothes are hung go in our wardrobe.  It wasn't until getting here that I finally understood the wardrobe portion of C.S. Lewis' book The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.  I can totally see hiding from my siblings in here (without shutting oneself in) and suddenly finding a portal to another world.  I'm perfectly content with exploring the new world I have found myself in without travel by wardrobe (and I prefer Jelly Babies to Turkish Delight when it comes to sweets).

We love our flat and feel like it was the perfect place for us to land.  We are within walking distance of everything we need and have access to amazing public transportation.  Finding a place that can feel like home has helped the transition.

I hope you enjoyed your tour.

Music Hath Charms: Musicals "Next to Normal" **Trigger Warning**

**Trigger Warning, language, self harm, suicide**

I stumbled across the musical "Next to Normal" while I was being treated with ECT for severe treatment resistant depression and BiPolar II.  It presents the story of a woman with Bipolar I, mania, and delusions.  The early parts of the musical deal with her reaching out for new or better treatments to get life back under control, at least to some degree, and when the more conventional treatments fail she undergoes ECT.  Along the way we see the effects of her mental illness on her husband and daughter, we also see/ feel her delusions and how they interact with every part of life.  It's a very powerful musical and sheds light on the inner turmoil of a woman trying to take care of her family but losing control of herself.  *** All Lyrics from:  https://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/nexttonormal.html ***

A quick introduction to the characters
Diana- Wife, mom, mentally ill
Dan- Husband, dad, main caretaker
Natalie- 16 year old daughter
Henry- Wanna be boyfriend
Gabe-  19 year old son (real or delusional is a main theme)
Dr. Madden- Primary psychiatrist

Who Is Crazy/My Psychopharmacologist and I

Next to Normal (2008)

[Dan]

Who's crazy, the husband or wife?

Who's crazy to live their whole life

Believing that somehow things aren't as bizarre as they are?

Who's crazy the one who can't cope?

Or maybe, the one who'll still hope?

The one who sees doctors or the one who just waits in the car?

...

[Dr. Madden]

...The round blue ones with food, but not with the oblong white ones.

The white ones with the round yellow ones, but not with the trapezoidal green ones.

Split the green ones into thirds with a tiny chisel, use a mortar and pestle to grind?

...

[Diana]

My psychopharmacologist and I.

Call it a lover's game.

He knows my deepest secrets.

I know his... name!

And though he'll never hold me

He'll always take my calls.

It's truly like he told me

Without a little lift, the ballerina falls

You Don't Know

Next to Normal (2008)

[Diana]

Do you wake up in the morning and need help to lift your head?

Do you read obituaries and feel jealous of the dead?

It's like living on a cliffside not knowing when you'll dive.

Do you know, do you know what it's like to die alive?

When the world that once had color fades to white and grey and black.

When tomorrow terrifies you, but you'll die if you look back.

You don't know.

I know you don't know.

You say that you're hurting, it sure doesn't show.

You don't know.

Make Up Your Mind/Catch Me I'm Falling

Next to Normal (2008)

[Dr. Madden]

Make up your mind to explore yourself

Make up your mind you have stories to tell

We'll search in your past

For what sorrows may last

Then make up your mind to be well

...

Make up your mind to live stronger now

Make up your mind let the truth be revealed

Admit what you've lost and live with the cost

At times it does hurt to healed

...

Make up your mind you want clarity

Take what you know and make it make sense

Just admit what you fear

And soon it comes clear

The visions are just your defence

...

Make up your mind to be free at last

Make up your mind to be truly alive

Embrace what's inside the place that has died

And make up your mind to survive 

I've Been

Next to Normal (2008)

[Dan]

Standing in this room,

Well I wonder what comes now.

I know I have to help her,

But hell if I know how.

And all the times that I've been told

The way her illness goes.

The truth of it is no one really knows.

...

And I've never had to face the world without her at my side.

Now I'm strolling right beside her as the black hole opens wide.

Mine is just a slower suicide.

I've been here for the show,

Every high, every low.

But it's the worst we've ever known.

She's been hurt and how?

But I can't give up now.

'Cause I've never been alone.

I could never be alone.

Didn't I See This Movie
Next to Normal (2008)

[Diana]
Didn't I see this movie with McMurphy and the nurse?
That hospital was heavy, but this cuckoo's nest it worse.
Isn't this the one where in the end the good guys fry?
Didn't I see this movie, and didn't I cry?
...
[Dan (spoken)]
Your mother sin for a new treatment.  ECT.

[Natalie (spoken)]
Okay, LMNOIP, what is that, I don't know?

[Dan (spoken)]
Electro-convulsive Therapy.  Shock Therapy.

[Natalie (spoken)]
You're kidding, right?  That's bullshit.

[Diana]
What makes you think I'd lose my mind for you?
I'm no sociopath, I'm no Sylvia Plath

Wish I Were Here
Next to Normal (2008)

[Diana]
In an instant flashes and the burst might leave me blind.
When the bolt of lightening crashes and it burns right through my mind,
It's like someone drained my brain out, set my frozen mind to thaw,
Let the lethargy and pain out, while I stood in awe.
...
[Diana and Natalie]
Plug me in and turn me on,
And flip the switch, I'm good as gone.
It slits my skin, and trips my brain
And feel the burn, when I don't feel the pain.

Is my brain reborn, or is it wrecked,
In freedom or in fear?
Wish I were here.

Song of Forgetting
Next to Normal (2008)

[Dan (spoken)]
You don't remember any of this?

[Diana (spoken)]
I should, right?

[Dan]
This house and all these rooms
Last Christmas or last year
Out back the dogwood blooms

[Diana]
Do I really live here?

...
[Natalie]
My first few steps, and my first lost tooth
What nothing yet?

[Diana]
Well to tell the truth

[Dan]
Sing a song of forgetting
A song of the way things were not
Sing of what's lost to you
Of time that you never knew
Sing of not remembering when
Of memories that go unremembered and then
Sing a song of forgetting, again

That day our child was born
Our baby girl's first cry
...
[Natalie]
What a lovely cure
It's a medical miracle
With a mind so pure
That she doesn't know anything

Seconds and Years
Next to Normal (2008)

[Dr. Madden]
A little loss of memory is normal
And helpful in forgetting all her fears

[Dan]
I couldn't give a flying fuck what's normal
We haven't had a normal day in years

Aftershocks
Next to Normal (2008)

[Gabe]
They've managed to get rid of me, returned me to the grave
ECT, electric chair, we shock who we can't save
They've cleared you of my memory and many more as well
You may have wanted some of them but who can ever tell
Your brainwaves are more regular, the chemistry more pure
The headaches and the nausea will pass and you'll endure
Your son is gone forever though, of that the doctor's sure
The memories will wane, the aftershocks remain
You wonder which is worse, the symptom or the cure
...
[Diana]
It's been four weeks since the treatment
And my mind is still a mess
And who's left to be remembered
Well it's anybody's guess
Cause my past is like the weather
It will come and it will go
I don't know, even know
What it is that I don't know
I'm some Christopher Colombus
Sailing out into my mind
With no map of where I'm going
Or of what I've left behind
...
[Dr. Madden]
Does the puzzle come together
Piece by piece and row by row?
[Diana]
I don't know, I don't know
Where the fucking pieces go
Cause I don't know how this started
So I won't know when it's done

The Break
Next to Normal (2008)

They told me that the wiring was somehow all misfiring and screwing up the signals in my brain.
And then they told me chemistry, the juice and not the circuitry, was mixing up and making me insane.
What happens when the burn has healed when the skin has not regrown?
What happens when the cast, at last, comes off, and then you find the break was always in another bone?
...
They tried a million meds and
They strapped me to their beds and
They shrugged and told me 'that's the way it goes'
But finally you hit it!
I asked you just what did it.
You shrugged and said that no one really knows.

What happens if the medicine wasn't really in control?
What happens if the cut, the burn, the break was never in my brain, or in my blood, but in my soul?
What happens if the cut, the burn, the break was never in my brain, or in my blood, but in my soul?

Make Up Your Mind/ Catch Me I'm Falling (Reprise)
Next to Normal (2008)

[Dr. Madden (spoken)]
The ECT is powerful, it gave you your life back,
but the effects often fade and additional treatments are almost always necessary.

[Diana (spoken)]
That wasn't on the form.

[Dr. Madden]
Make up your mind that you'll try again
Make up your mind there are moments of light
But one things that's sure is that there is no cure
But that doesn't mean we don't fight.
...

[Diana (spoken)]
I've had this lovely and fascinating relationship with you doctors and your treatments for 16 years but now I think I'm done.

[Dr. Madden (spoken)]
Diana, medicine isn't perfect, but it's what we have.

[Diana (spoken)]
Goodbye Dr. Madden.

Maybe
Next to Normal (2008)

[Diana]
Maybe I've lost it at last
Maybe my last lucid moment has past
I'm dancing with death, I suppose.
But really, who knows?
Could be I'm crazy to go.
They say you should stay with the devil you know
But when life needs a change
And the one devil won't
You fight to the devil you don't
...
[Natalie]
It's so lovely that you're sharing
No, really, I'm all ears
But where has all this caring been
For sixteen years
For all those years I'd pray that
You'd go away for good
Half the ti me afraid that you really would
When I thought you might be dying
I cried for all we've never be
But there'll be no more crying
Not for me
...
[Diana]
We tried to give you a normal life. I realise now, I have no clue what that is.

[Natalie]
I don't need a life that's normal
That's way too far away
But something next to normal
Would be okay
Yeah, something next to normal
That's the thing I'd like to try
Close enough to normal To get by

[Diana]
We'll get by

[Natalie]
We'll get by

Hey 3/ Perfect For You (Reprise)

[Natalie]
Am I crazy?
I might end up crazy

[Henry]
I'll be here for you

[Natalie]
You say that right here
But then give it a year
Or 10 years or a life
And I could end up your wife
Sitting staring at walls
Throwing shit down the stairs
Freaking out at the store
Running nude down the street
Bleeding out in the bath

[Henry]
Perfect for you
I will be perfect for you
So you could go crazy
Or I could go crazy, it's true
Sometimes life isn't sane
But crazy I know I can do
Cause crazy is perfect
And fucked up is perfect
So I will be perfect

[Natalie]
Perfect

[Both]
Perfect for you

Next to Normal is a lesser known musical, but I believe it should be required background music on any psychiatric ward (okay maybe not that far but I think it needs to get wider play for those with mental illness).  When going through ECT having the knowledge that my memory loss wasn't a character fault but was experienced by Diana as well was very comforting.  ECT doesn't make it into many media forms without it being used as a torture technique or as a historical representation and not showing the changes and improvements that have been made since the late 1980's.  I don't believe that it is over used, or that doctors are purposely hiding the possibility of side effects.  Every brain is different so every person will respond differently.  Seeing (feeling) the interactions between the family members and especially between Diana and Natalie has helped me see how much my illness has effected those around me.  Music is such a powerful media that it can express (especially for us who struggle to express) our thoughts, fears and feelings.  So, once again if this has intrigued anyone seek out the full musical it is available on Apple Music, YouTube, and Pandora (maybe others).

What Was That Car That Tried to Run Me Over

One of the things we are taught fairly early on is how to cross a street, we come to the corner look left, right and left again for good measure.  If no cars are coming we take the step of faith off the curb and hurriedly walk across the street.  Until school age, we may only be allowed to attempt this complicated set of steps when in the company of an adult or older sibling, but soon after the start of the first school year the hand holding ceases and we are free.  As we grow up this process becomes automatic and we tackle busier and busier streets, even crossing against the light.  Our judgement for distance improves (and maybe even our reflexes) and we leave less and less lead time between ourselves and any cars coming in our direction.  This is the general process that allows us to leave our home block and explore out into the wide world, what no one tells us is that what is done in the United States is not always the same for that wide world we were going to explore.
In the United Kingdom, a similar set of steps is used when crossing the street but it's the order of the steps that are so different and will get you squashed like the poor frog from the game Frogger if you aren't careful.  It's often joked about the British driving on the wrong side of the road, and how poor Americans come here and try to learn to drive but find it so difficult.  I never once heard a joke about the perils Americans face when they try to walk across the road.  See if the cars are driving on the wrong side then looking left before starting across the road is also the wrong side.  So here the proper procedure is to look right, left, right (and then close your eyes and hope for the best j/k) and then take the step of faith, some crossing points have painted on the pavement the words "LOOK RIGHT" with an arrow pointing the correct direction.  I have found that additional glances both directions are crucial depending on how close to a roundabout you are attempting to cross because cars, buses, and bikes can and do come out of nowhere.  Walking half a block or more from the intended crossing point is sometimes wise to be able to use a crossing light and have the cars halt while making your way across.  There are some crossing points that do not include stoplights but there are flashing globes of light that act as a warning for drivers that there is a crossing and that the kind thing to do is slow down just in case.  There are also crossing points named after the unlikely animals Zebra and Pelican.  A zebra crossing looks much like the striped crossing lines from the US and it is a crossing point where the pedestrian has right of way (think of the famous album cover for the Beatles, and that's a zebra crossing).  Pelican (Pelicon) crossings are the ones using a traffic signal to stop the vehicles and an indicator (can be visual and auditory) for the pedestrian that signals when it's safe to walk.  There are many crossings that include a median and the lights are supposed to include both directions at the same time and to make it even more of a challenge some crossings can include three directions.  So it's a lot to try and keep track of for such a simple procedure as crossing a road.
Another difference that doesn't really change the crossing steps but involves identifying the vehicles coming at you (or the safe ones that are parked).  I'm somewhat famous for my notice of details, especially when out and about, and one of the things that interested me right away was the identity of all the cars on either side of the road.  The UK has many new brands of vehicles and the majority of them are in the compact or subcompact size.  There are many of the usual brands like Ford, Toyota, Volkswagen, and Nissan all with their well-known symbols, but it's the new ones that are so cool.
My favourite is the Vauxhall:

Next favourite would be a Skoda:

The Peugeot is pretty cool:

Citroen is basic:

As is Fiat:

The image for the Mini is different here:

Last one that is seen frequently is Clio:

I'm still on the lookout for any new or less popular brands, I'm sure there are many that I have just not stumbled across, Yet.  Since I will not attempt driving (walking is complicated enough) identifying vehicles travelling at rapid speeds is not an altogether necessary skill, but it sure is fun.