What a Way to End

I’ve been away for a little bit, but mostly just stuck in my head.
On Saturday I took the last dose of my anxiety medication and have been dealing with the withdrawal process since then.  I had been in the process of weaning off the med when I decided enough was enough, so instead of taking the last step down I stopped.  Maybe not the best way to handle things but I was already feeling the effects of being on a much lower dose and decided I just needed to be done.  I’m hoping I’m through the worst of the acute phase of withdrawals, but I’ve been on this class of medication for a long time and may feel the effects for a long time as well.
I’ve come to realise that medications are not going to fix me (I know shocking that it took me this long to figure it out) and that as much as I want my symptoms to be masked by the effects of pharmaceuticals, I want my mind to be clear to enjoy life.  I have been medicated pretty much continuously since I was a teenager and until I landed here in the UK I assumed that meds were the only way to control my symptoms.  Since arriving and chipping away at the pile of pills I was taking I’m realising that I need to take some ownership and learn to cope instead of numb.  I know that things are good right now, my outside stresses are lower than they have been in a long time, and I have more support than I have ever had.  Now is the time to educate myself, learn as many coping skills as possible and conquer the beast not just lull it back to sleep.
I know I will always feel the effects of my past (both physically and mentally) but I’m done trying to hide from it behind a wall of medications and excuses.  I’m sure this sounds overly dramatic but when you’ve been fighting a battle silently most of your life sometimes making a declaration of intent to change things is important.  I’m not cured by any means, but I’m not broken either and that is a much better place to be in than where I have been recently.
Exciting isn’t it, I sure think so.