I’ve been away for a little bit, but mostly just stuck in my head.
On Saturday I took the last dose of my anxiety medication and have been dealing with the withdrawal process since then. I had been in the process of weaning off the med when I decided enough was enough, so instead of taking the last step down I stopped. Maybe not the best way to handle things but I was already feeling the effects of being on a much lower dose and decided I just needed to be done. I’m hoping I’m through the worst of the acute phase of withdrawals, but I’ve been on this class of medication for a long time and may feel the effects for a long time as well.
I’ve come to realise that medications are not going to fix me (I know shocking that it took me this long to figure it out) and that as much as I want my symptoms to be masked by the effects of pharmaceuticals, I want my mind to be clear to enjoy life. I have been medicated pretty much continuously since I was a teenager and until I landed here in the UK I assumed that meds were the only way to control my symptoms. Since arriving and chipping away at the pile of pills I was taking I’m realising that I need to take some ownership and learn to cope instead of numb. I know that things are good right now, my outside stresses are lower than they have been in a long time, and I have more support than I have ever had. Now is the time to educate myself, learn as many coping skills as possible and conquer the beast not just lull it back to sleep.
I know I will always feel the effects of my past (both physically and mentally) but I’m done trying to hide from it behind a wall of medications and excuses. I’m sure this sounds overly dramatic but when you’ve been fighting a battle silently most of your life sometimes making a declaration of intent to change things is important. I’m not cured by any means, but I’m not broken either and that is a much better place to be in than where I have been recently.
Exciting isn’t it, I sure think so.
Thursday 27 June 2019
Sunday 9 June 2019
Starting again (and again, and again)
Wow, time flies when you are trying to get healthy. I am continuing to adjust to the NHS system and specifically the differences in psychiatric methodologies. I have successfully gotten off of a few more meds (both psych and medical ones) and I have completed the first of a group of groups that focus on coping skills for trauma reactions. I am clearer of mind and stronger of body (and because psychiatric meds often have a side effect of weight gain coming off of them means I’m dropping some kilos as well).
I have been gifted a camera by my wonderful husband (we share but I am the one who uses it the most right now) and am more seriously pursuing the hobby of photography (I may even make it as far as the art of photography one day). I continue to attend art studio when I can and have quite a few projects that are waiting for the kiln or waiting to be glazed.
I am repeatedly told how much better I look and act compared to when we arrived and shortly after. I feel better and I’ll take any good days I get. The war is not over but there is currently a cease fire within my mind that is allowing me to focus on the physical side of things a little more. I am continuing to research my diagnoses and the treatments I have undergone and I think I better understand why I feel and react the ways I do.
I have joined the realm of social media again and through it have reconnected with some of the people who were/are so important to me and my continuing to be here. Sometimes it’s a struggle to look back and see vague shadows of memories and be reminded of what I have lost, but it is also a chance to see if those shadows can come back into the light a little and if sparks of memory exist where I think most has been lost. Even though it has been a couple (or more) years since I have spoken with these people and I am most definitely not the same person they knew, they have welcomed me back with virtual hugs and in many cases we are picking up where we left off. How amazing is that? I felt so alone for so long because the memories were gone and I didn’t understand what people were talking about and all I really needed to do was be honest and let friendship bridge the gaps. It’s something I won’t let myself forget again.
So, as to this page, I am going to try and pick up somewhere close to where I left off and relate my experiences of being a foreigner in a wonderfully welcoming land. I also will probably share some of my photography (at least the pieces I’m most proud of). I’m going to be realistic and set the goal of one post per week to start and see where things go (I’m a lot more chatty these days so more may be possible).
Please let me know if there is anything you’d like me to talk about, or explain better. Give me feedback on my photos, my writing, or on my opinions (especially if they rub you the wrong way) anything is fair game.
Cheers!
I have been gifted a camera by my wonderful husband (we share but I am the one who uses it the most right now) and am more seriously pursuing the hobby of photography (I may even make it as far as the art of photography one day). I continue to attend art studio when I can and have quite a few projects that are waiting for the kiln or waiting to be glazed.
I am repeatedly told how much better I look and act compared to when we arrived and shortly after. I feel better and I’ll take any good days I get. The war is not over but there is currently a cease fire within my mind that is allowing me to focus on the physical side of things a little more. I am continuing to research my diagnoses and the treatments I have undergone and I think I better understand why I feel and react the ways I do.
I have joined the realm of social media again and through it have reconnected with some of the people who were/are so important to me and my continuing to be here. Sometimes it’s a struggle to look back and see vague shadows of memories and be reminded of what I have lost, but it is also a chance to see if those shadows can come back into the light a little and if sparks of memory exist where I think most has been lost. Even though it has been a couple (or more) years since I have spoken with these people and I am most definitely not the same person they knew, they have welcomed me back with virtual hugs and in many cases we are picking up where we left off. How amazing is that? I felt so alone for so long because the memories were gone and I didn’t understand what people were talking about and all I really needed to do was be honest and let friendship bridge the gaps. It’s something I won’t let myself forget again.
So, as to this page, I am going to try and pick up somewhere close to where I left off and relate my experiences of being a foreigner in a wonderfully welcoming land. I also will probably share some of my photography (at least the pieces I’m most proud of). I’m going to be realistic and set the goal of one post per week to start and see where things go (I’m a lot more chatty these days so more may be possible).
Please let me know if there is anything you’d like me to talk about, or explain better. Give me feedback on my photos, my writing, or on my opinions (especially if they rub you the wrong way) anything is fair game.
Cheers!
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